jamais vu

The great mystery of human life is not suffering but affliction.

You have a right to kill me. You have a right to do that... but you have no right to judge me. It's impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror. Horror has a face... and you must make a friend of horror. Horror and moral terror are your friends. If they are not then they are enemies to be feared. They are truly enemies.

I remember when I was with Special Forces. Seems a thousand centuries ago. We went into a camp to inoculate the children. We left the camp after we had inoculated the children for Polio, and this old man came running after us and he was crying. He couldn't see. We went back there and they had come and hacked off every inoculated arm. There they were in a pile. A pile of little arms. And I remember... I... I... I cried. I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out. I didn't know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it. I never want to forget it. I never want to forget. And then I realized... like I was shot... like I was shot with a diamond... a diamond bullet right through my forehead. And I thought: My God... the genius of that. The genius. The will to do that. Perfect, genuine, complete, crystalline, pure. And then I realized they were stronger than we. Because they could stand that these were not monsters. These were men... trained cadres. These men who fought with their hearts, who had families, who had children, who were filled with love... but they had the strength... the strength... to do that. If I had ten divisions of those men our troubles here would be over very quickly. You have to have men who are moral... and at the same time who are able to utilize their primordial instincts to kill without feeling... without passion... without judgment... without judgment. Because it's judgment that defeats us.




Kurtz

I have scabies. Fuuuuck, this sucks. I did everything my doctor said, but it came right back. i'm looking for natural solutions. No sleep and constant itch and things hatching in my flesh fucking sucks.

Falk: And as he says, the issue is always fascism. Dobel says the crimes of the Nazis were so enormous that if the entire human race were to vanish as a penalty it could be argued that it would be justified.

The issue may always be fascism...
But the answer is always love.

I learned that today.

According to my doctor's scale, I've lost 84 pounds in 26 months. Yay, me.

The last news story I posted distinctly reminded me of stories from the Onion website. I went over there and found this.
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/black_guy_asks_nation_for_change

I have a problem with bugs and getting bitten. I am handling it in the most logical way I can and seeking ANY input from smart people (that's you, btw). I should say first that bugs love me. I get bitten just about everywhere, even when the people around me are fine. These bugs are pretty mean, though; they're biting my poor kitty, too.

There has been a bedbug problem at work which has been treated. I don't know if I brought bedbugs home, or not, but something has been biting me at work. It's in my car, and has been around my computer desk. The bites are tiny circles, white or pink, mostly in 3 places: ankles, neck, and behind the ear in the softest part of skin. I have gotten a few spider bites too ("you're never more than 2 feet from a spider" in Ohio, the saying goes).

Things have gotten out of control and the bugs have spread from my computer desk to the sofa and bed, waking me up with the biting. Last night I got fed up and started vacuuming. From 1am - 9.30am, I vacuumed and then hit most of the apartment with a gallon of bug spray. All clothing and bedding went downstairs for the wash (with the poor cat). A recliner and my box spring were put out for the trash. This morning I was immediately bitten when I went out into the living room -- again, right behind the ear. There was blood. I bombed my bedroom and car and bathroom, re-sprayed the living room.

So far the only insects I've found are dead pill bugs (http://www.enchantedlearning.com/subjects/invertebrates/isopod/Pillbugprintout.shtml), in the doorway and at the baseboard. They look quite a bit like bedbugs, but are too round to fit the description. Orkin is supposed to schedule a consultation with me on Monday. This will probably entail a very not-fun conversation with the crazy old landlord, and my beloved kitty going back to my diabolical sisters' residence.

My employer is almost certainly not going to help, and even a lawsuit is unlikely to work. Moving is an option; but not an easy one. Most other parts of town are seedy or extremely costly. But I am shopping for that perfect room with introverted college geeks.

Yesterday was kinda nuts. I started the day with an MRI of my brain to check for a tumor. The MRI coffin-like chamber freaked me the fuck out! I am also out of my nerve pills and... The list goes on. Headache still ever-present. But I love life and I'm NOT LETTING MY EMOTIONS CONTROL ME. I am controlling my attitude. Hell yes.

I am trying to catch up on email on comments tonight. There's a few important things to say.

Thanks for any help!

Be the change you want to see in the world.

Mahatma Gandhi

I know there are a lot of gifted photographers on my f-list, so I thought I'd start here. I have a Canon Powershot SD 400 digital camera, 5 megapixel; I'm happy with it, but it does not have image stabilization. I don't have a very steady hand -- I can be nervous and usually clumsy -- and I've tried to steady it on the back of my hand, as suggested. However I am going to be an extensive shoot soon, and would like to find a cheap tripod that's not too cumbersome (hopefully under $50). A lot of my photos end up looking very shaky...so it's a necessity for consistent quality. Any suggestions please? :)

I think the Olympics are retarded, but this story is sincerely inspiring.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/17/sports/olympics/17runner.html?_r=1&hp&oref=slogin

I need to be honest for ME. Anyone's appreciation is secondary. And any other pursuits are a waste.

Novels:
Last of the Mohicans (Cooper)
The Confessions of Nat Turner (Styron)
Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (Twain)
Selected works (Poe)
Moby Dick (Melville)
The Sea Wolf (London)
Blood Meridian (McCarthy)
The Grapes of Wrath (Steinbeck)
USA trilogy (Dos Passos)
Look Homeward, Angel (Wolfe)
A Farewell to Arms (Hemmingway)
Absalom, Absalom! (Faulkner)
The Heart is a Lonely Hunter (McCullers)
Invisible Man (Ellison)
The Catcher in the Rye (Salinger)
On the Road (Keroac)
The Sunlight Dialogues (Gardner)
White Noise (De Lillo)
A Prayer for Owen Meany (Irving)

Drama:
Long Day's Journey into Night (O'Neill) - at the CSC
Hannah and Her Sisters (Allen)
Unforgiven (Peoples)
Greendale (Young) - album

History:
Walden (Thoreau)
A People's History of the United States (Zinn)
War is a Racket (Butler)
Amusing Ourselves to Death (Postman)
Understanding Power (Chomsky)

Don't cry, there'll be another spring
I know our hearts will dance again
And sing again, so wait for me till then

Be glad the bird is on the wing
Another time to love
And laugh with me, just wait and see

I love you now
And I'll love you forever
Oh don't be sad
We'll surely be together

For the sky is bluer overhead
If you will just believe in me
There'll be another spring

A people's history of the United States - Zinn
Dying inside - Silverberg
The artist's way - Cameron
The baron in the trees - Calvino
Black like me - Griffin

This weekend has been full. It's been full of tears about lost loves, deep yearning, and, at least, honest assessments and acceptance. It's been full of love of serious literature, serious music, and very serious cat-petting. Full of seriousness about fulfilling dreams while there is still some time, some light. I have taken no painkillers this weekend despite the headaches, and virtually no other drugs. This has been hard and, as I've stated before, I'd like to be seriously stoned on opiates. But it's good that I'm NOT. Because I am asking the right questions, getting the right answers.

I need to be held. It's my most unfulfilled need.

I miss my mother greatly. I want to say that, too.

I have barely set foot outside all weekend (in classic INFP fashion), with the exception of a brief run at 2am for burritos last night. Amy's burritos are really good, but you go a lot.

I guess I need to get this dental work done. I cannot do anything before then, really. Then I must decide where to go (geographically) and start selling everything.

I always knew that I didn't want to work. You have to be dedicated. But it was my number one priority. --Cormac McCarthy

..


NB: I lost my yahoo password, so I'm out of the loop. Also, I'm really interested in going to school somewhere, and open to suggestions.

John Paul Jones' bass on Led Zeppelin II kick ass. God I love this album!